Welcome to #occupybergdorfs, a weekly ruination of the absolute worst that the world of fashion has to offer. Each week, we’ll bring you a new eyesore, and break down exactly what makes this particular outfit “WTF”-worthy. A partnership between Change Machine (Jen Blair) and Super Roller Disco Monkey Hullabaloo (John Jarzemsky), #occupybergdorfs is dedicated to giving you that extra dose of schadenfreude you so desperately need to get you through the week.
Without further ado, may we present…
Price: $4,465 at Bergdorf Goodman
Who would wear this?
John: An anonymous extra from Taken, or some other Luc Besson-produced film in which vaguely sinister Eurotrash thugs are dispatched with ruthless efficiency by Liam Neeson.
Best time to wear this?
Jen: A brisk morning jog on The Grid.
Worst time to wear this?
John: When actually playing basketball, or when trying to flee from Liam Neeson on a dirt bike whilst emptying an uzi over your shoulder.
Who (if anybody) can pull this off?
Jen: A young Jonny Lee Miller; an order of basketball-playing space monks in The Fifth Element 2 – The Sixth Element; wealthy transhumanist libertarians living in isolated self-sustaining eco luxury house-pods in the Pacific Northwest.
Is it fashionable?
John: They’re going for some sort of streetwear vibe, which is definitely getting more popular, especially in NYC, but the bagginess seems like a throwback to the 90s.
Is it fairly priced?
Jen: Compared to other geek-chic luxuries (like a trip to the space station), the outfit is a relative steal.
What do you wear with this?
John: A giant foam-rubber basketball head to entice wild basketballs into mating with you.
What would be a better use for the cash?
Jen: The individual responsible for this travesty was clearly utilizing a mere 10% of his brain when he sat down to conceptualize the design; why not celebrate that idea and treat yourself and 222 of your closest friends to the latest Luc Besson cinematic train wreck at your local multiplex. Or, if you prefer quality over quantity, four MacBook Airs.